Oh Baby, When They Made Me, They Broke The Mold.

I want everything to change and stay the same

That line is from (Coffee's for closers)- Fall Out Boy and it kinda describes how my mind is working at the minute. I'm in this funk, and I can't really explain it- certainly not in vigorous detail, maybe a mumbled rambling of incoherent words.

I will never believe in anything again

Honestly, I keep telling myself this year is going to be different, this is going to be the year to take, make and intensify. I didn't tell myself that last year at all, because I was also in a funk then, though one of an entirely different nature. Last year, I wasn't really feeling anything.

Girls used to follow me around, then I got cold.

I don't even know why I'm blogging. Shit blog. Someone explain things to me.

Unicorns And Kids Are Really Demons In Disguise.

I'm in this weird half happy, half panicked place at the moment. I don't know why, but I'm not really liking it at all. It's like I need breathing space or something? Or maybe I have too much of that.

I had the strangest dream on Friday night. Keep in mind, I was pretty hammered going to sleep...

I was in a play, and there was two guys playing Italian mobsters. But when I was in the wings, they started threatening me and I had to do this task or they were going to kill everyone. Next thing I know, I'm on a horse, galloping through fields and jumping over fences towards this lake to find a unicorn. And Sinead is worried I won't make it, so follows me (on a horse too) and so is my dad, and he follows me (in his car). And I'm in a graveyard, jumping over graves, when I reach the pond. And the unicorn is cantering off. I look to my right, and there is this little blonde girl, with red eyes. She's standing beside two dead kids, blood all over her and she's grinning. But then my dad catches up with me and gets out of the car, and her eyes turn blue and she starts crying. So he takes me and her home, and we adopt her. There's two shops in my house too, no idea how that had any relevance. And I keep seeing her kill children, but my mam won't believe me, and next thing she's staring at me, demonic and the like, and trying to kill me.

That's pretty much when I woke up. Fucking weird.

It's A New Dawn, It's A New Day.

Now I've got no heart left to ache.

2010 ended on a weird note. I spoke to my ex on the phone while he drunkenly walked around his friend's castle in his pajamas and wondered should he get more beer. He threw out a comment about it being a two-way street, and he might be making fuck all effort, but I was making none. It sounded like a very old, very familiar argument between myself and him.

My brother was home, as was my sister (though that is nothing new). I saw him a little bit, but I guess that is just how it works. We all miss him, we all want to spend time with him. So in the end, there's only a little bit of time. It's kind of weird, you know? To have known someone your entire life but at the same time, not really know them.

Here I am again, trying to relearn how to breathe.

On New Year's Eve, I headed out to the Store with the Clodagh one. The one thing that is guaranteed when Clodagh and I head out together, is that we will get very drunk and we will do stupid, hilarious, memorable things.

That night was no different. First of all, we arrived early so no one we knew was about yet. There was also no seats. I spotted a bench with enough room for two of us to squeeze in should I be able to convince the lads around that table to let us. Which I did, of course. That table also scored us a few free pints, and Clodagh and I (accidentally) letting on that we were teachers. Which was about the time we found out those lads were late twenties-thirties. Lovely guys, but I decided wandering outside to where (now) all my friends were might be an idea.

I gave Ronan his Christmas present (Battenburg cake), so if he ever whines about that again, I'm pretty sure I can slap him. Excellent.

Frank was pretty gone by the time I was talking to him. Especially after Ronan explained the bad bad situation, which involved Frank and a forbidden girl. Out of bounds. I still have to kick his ass.

Some weirdly unexpected outcomes came out of that night too. One came about pretty much due to Frank pestering me to get some confidence in the previous days, which led to me biting the bullet. I'm pretty happy about that, but whatever.

Clodagh disappeared (actually, it was probably me who disappeared... I always disappear) but I found her again, touching John's face as she does. When we walked to the taxi, she took off her heels. She seems to do that a lot when she's drunk.

It was a good night anyway, despite my horrible disappointment with Francis Roddy.

Life is fine, no matter how hard you fight.

New year's resolutions... Well I've only got one; stop overthinking. Not as Clodagh suggested, "Don't think at all"- that always lands me in trouble. Maybe if I stop overthinking every little thing, I won't be so paranoid about just about everything.

You're a beast in a woman's frame.

Oh, I had a really weird dream to the other night. It involved me sprinting all over town, trying to get away from a disabled muslim, who was trying to ask me out, while I screamed "I WILL NEVER COMMIT."

So I guess I still have my issues then.