It's A New Dawn, It's A New Day.

Now I've got no heart left to ache.

2010 ended on a weird note. I spoke to my ex on the phone while he drunkenly walked around his friend's castle in his pajamas and wondered should he get more beer. He threw out a comment about it being a two-way street, and he might be making fuck all effort, but I was making none. It sounded like a very old, very familiar argument between myself and him.

My brother was home, as was my sister (though that is nothing new). I saw him a little bit, but I guess that is just how it works. We all miss him, we all want to spend time with him. So in the end, there's only a little bit of time. It's kind of weird, you know? To have known someone your entire life but at the same time, not really know them.

Here I am again, trying to relearn how to breathe.

On New Year's Eve, I headed out to the Store with the Clodagh one. The one thing that is guaranteed when Clodagh and I head out together, is that we will get very drunk and we will do stupid, hilarious, memorable things.

That night was no different. First of all, we arrived early so no one we knew was about yet. There was also no seats. I spotted a bench with enough room for two of us to squeeze in should I be able to convince the lads around that table to let us. Which I did, of course. That table also scored us a few free pints, and Clodagh and I (accidentally) letting on that we were teachers. Which was about the time we found out those lads were late twenties-thirties. Lovely guys, but I decided wandering outside to where (now) all my friends were might be an idea.

I gave Ronan his Christmas present (Battenburg cake), so if he ever whines about that again, I'm pretty sure I can slap him. Excellent.

Frank was pretty gone by the time I was talking to him. Especially after Ronan explained the bad bad situation, which involved Frank and a forbidden girl. Out of bounds. I still have to kick his ass.

Some weirdly unexpected outcomes came out of that night too. One came about pretty much due to Frank pestering me to get some confidence in the previous days, which led to me biting the bullet. I'm pretty happy about that, but whatever.

Clodagh disappeared (actually, it was probably me who disappeared... I always disappear) but I found her again, touching John's face as she does. When we walked to the taxi, she took off her heels. She seems to do that a lot when she's drunk.

It was a good night anyway, despite my horrible disappointment with Francis Roddy.

Life is fine, no matter how hard you fight.

New year's resolutions... Well I've only got one; stop overthinking. Not as Clodagh suggested, "Don't think at all"- that always lands me in trouble. Maybe if I stop overthinking every little thing, I won't be so paranoid about just about everything.

You're a beast in a woman's frame.

Oh, I had a really weird dream to the other night. It involved me sprinting all over town, trying to get away from a disabled muslim, who was trying to ask me out, while I screamed "I WILL NEVER COMMIT."

So I guess I still have my issues then.

Sick Of The Same Old - Same Old.

I hung out with Robert today. He's probably one of my closest friends really, despite the extremity of our ups and downs with each other. I tell him most things, stuff I wouldn't say to anyone really. We've a lot of history together, four years worth now. My first ever boyfriend, haa.

We had a big talk before I left. I was concerned because I thought he was getting hurt by this girl... Who might I add, is the sweetest girl ever. So lovely. But I was worried anyway. I do that, worry too much.

And when we were talking about it, we started talking about we wanted. We want the same thing actually, but he kinda made me realise I wanted it.

I (and well, him also) want to meet someone completely new. Like a fresh slate. Someone you have no memories with, someone who doesn't know your friends, just someone new. To build memories and get to know without all the "I remember when they did such-and-such" babble, and the stories concerned friends can dig up and such. I'm sick of the whole rinse and repeat attitude in this town. The going out with the same people and kissing the same people and fancying the same people. We may as well all be going around in circles.

I don't want that. I want newness.

I'm gonna be a long time waiting.

Endless Summer.... Or Something That's Not As Ghey As DJ Cammy Lyrics...

This summer is going to be a very interesting one, I should think.

A weird one too. Hammo is fucking off for three weeks, Clo for two... Sin is going out with Doyler, so I'll see her less too. Ian's home, so I get to chill with him sometimes. That's good, I always miss him so much when he's in college.

I want to meet a lot of new people this summer, and go out plenty and have fun. I want to have a summer to remember... Or not to remember which might be the case. (BEER SAYS YES!)

Last summer was a shit one, full of trying to get over Mr. Artsy and worrying no one in the actual town liked me, in just a platonic way. It was a low time. Dark Days, you could say.

So this summer, I can't let it happen. I won't. I'm turning seventeen in two weeks, and that better be epic.

I'm going to Green Day tomorrow, which I'm hoping will be unreal.

I'm going to find lots of other cool shit to do, before I start sixth year and have the Leaving Cert looming over my head twenty four seven.

YIH BOY YIH,

Ri. x

Sillies.

Me and Mr. Artsy talked.

It was nice. It was good. It was friendly.

It was too friendly, it was like nothing had been wrong.

Is that weird? Should I be happy the ex and I are talking?

Because I am. Kind of.

But at the same time, I hate the fact it can just be normal like that.

Without any apologies.

I don't like that I enjoyed it.

Late Night Thoughts.

My friend and his long term girlfriend just broke up. He is crushed. And I'm worried.

I tried, at first, to sugarcoat it. I'm not good at sugarcoating anything, because tact isn't my strong point. I told him it would take time, but eventually he'd be okay.

He replied, "I'm sick of everyone telling me it takes time! You've had time, you're not okay!"

I thought I was hiding the not fully better thing pretty well, but apparently not. Not my point.

I decided to do what I do best. Be the blunt fucker that I am. So I told him exactly how much he's not gonna be okay, and all the little fucked up stages he's gonna go through and exactly what he should and should not do (Like not talking to her for a while- something he's totally not going to listen to me on).

He thanked me for my honesty. He said it was good to hear.

So here's my question; when it comes to situations like this, should we brush it off optimistically or realistically?

Over and out,
Ri x

Things.

I made a pact with myself, that I've already broken, that I would blog everyday. But in fairness, I've an excuse.

Friday night; Girly night in Clo's.

Saturday night;Went to Evita in Dublin, somehow ended up at a gaff party.

Sunday night; Went to see Cathy Davey with Sinead.

So it was a pretty good weekend, if you can tell!

Things are still bothering me, I'm still getting repeats of that dream about Mr. Artsy. Some people and I are still not completely back to normal, others are amazing and I adore them all over again. Saturday night was good for me, in a weird kind of way. Sunday too, I needed Sinead time badly.

Sinead said something to me yesterday, that made me think a little.

She was laughing, talking about how I was acting with someone. She told me she knows how unconfident I am, that I never think anyone would like me, how paranoid I am, ect. And then she laughed, and said I can put on an amazing front of confidence though with people. In her own words, I put on my "Yeah, I know I'm a fucking ride" act. And yet, that's all it is.

An act.

Those Five Minute Crushes

So, since the dream about Mr. Artsy, I can only expect an onslaught of "five minute crushes". (Who am I kidding? I already have one!)

At the best of times, I find it hard to like people. Even worse, I find it hard to really like someone. I have all these boundaries marked off, all these walls to break down, all this panic and fear that I'm going to get myself hurt again. Like hello. I just managed to put myself back together after Mr. Artsy and I broke up, I'd rather I didn't go down that road again for a while.

But when he's brought up, or I get a kick in the stomach of memories of him, or in this case, I get a horribly vivid dream about him, my "heart", so to speak, tries to protect me by showing me all the people I could be going for. Except they don't normally last too long as crushes, hence why I call them "five minute crushes". (Okay, so they may last longer then five minutes, but it sounds better then "a few days crushes" or whatever).

I'm too fickle. I can't stay on one person for a decent amount of time, unless they're really worth it- you know, if I can really talk to them, not become bored, "click" with them. I never make an effort with my "five minute crushes" because it's pointless. But I never really make an effort with my real ones either. I guess I'm just afraid of giving too much and not getting it back.

I'm sure sooner or later, I'll just lick my battle wounds and dive back in. But, not yet.

And You're Telling Me I Should Forget You...

I had a dream last night, involving my ex. We broke up 10 months ago.

In the dream we got back together, and I was happy. Then he dumped me for a girl I know, who I have no problem with in real life, but who I despised in this dream as she gloated in my face about having him.

It's not a big issue, and it's not the first dream I've had about him since the break up.

But it got me thinking; Do we ever really forget about someone we were that close with? Someone that we shared that much with?