Oh Baby, When They Made Me, They Broke The Mold.

I want everything to change and stay the same

That line is from (Coffee's for closers)- Fall Out Boy and it kinda describes how my mind is working at the minute. I'm in this funk, and I can't really explain it- certainly not in vigorous detail, maybe a mumbled rambling of incoherent words.

I will never believe in anything again

Honestly, I keep telling myself this year is going to be different, this is going to be the year to take, make and intensify. I didn't tell myself that last year at all, because I was also in a funk then, though one of an entirely different nature. Last year, I wasn't really feeling anything.

Girls used to follow me around, then I got cold.

I don't even know why I'm blogging. Shit blog. Someone explain things to me.

Confusing Thoughts and Childhood Horrors.

New developments are happening. Actually, probably not-and I don't entirely know if I want them too, but I kind of do and it's all just a big ball of confusion, to be quite honest. I don't understand myself about it at all.

When I was little, my sister used to play loads of tricks on me. She told me my mam was a troll. You know, like one of those mad ones with the standing up hair? And she told me she only came out at night, and I used to be terrified. She told me she had put spiders in my bed, and she told me when I fell asleep, she'd carry me out to the chicken house and leave me there. She told me that there was monsters under my bed; I still hate walking across the room in the dark. I've perfected this sort of ninja move, when I'm about a foot or two away from the bed, I jump and I land in the middle of my bed all crouched over. I couldn't do it if it wasn't dark. It's fear, you see. Adrenaline and all that.

I was a pretty scaredy cat child as a result, though only at night. Not during the day, heavens no. You can't be scared after yourself and your childhood friends climb into Blackberry Forest to collect blackberries (I don't even eat them) and one of the boys points out the cow staring at us in the same field (Blackberry forest was a field that consisted of about 3 trees and a blackberry bush) was actually a bull. I could also run a lot faster back in those days.

Now, I'm still a bit scared when it comes to certain things. Such as, the tap that magically turned itself on today. And the weird noises outside at night.

But, the stuff I was scared off back then is so juvenile now. I had a vast imagination back then, so I could pretty much conjure up demons from the shadows. But now I still have a vast imagination, but it's not demons I conjure up. It's reality.

Online Vs Real Life.

Today has been a bit of a waste of a day. It's largely consisted of eating, watching Merlin (Not that that is a waste!) and watching my mother act like we're all going to die slow, horrible deaths due to the Budget.

I could have spent today writing, or studying, or doing something productive that is expected of a Leaving Cert student. But no, I sat on my arse and twiddled my thumbs.

Sometimes I wonder if my persona on the Internet- being the mad Twitter addict that I am- is totally opposite to my real life persona. Like not just with the occasional mystery person I tweet (You guys make me feel popular) but with people I actually know.

Of course, being as paranoid as I am, I then start frantically wondering; what if I'm a disappointment in person? Like, I'm not very well versed in tact, and I tend to be blunt and to the point about things. I'd like to think it was a good trait to have; a bit of honesty, but obviously that wouldn't satisfy everyone.

Not to mention I love a good argument. Not real "You're tacky and I hate you" arguments, more little mess fights. Over silly things, and both parties know it's not serious. I don't think I always manage to get that across though.

I'll stop blabbering on now.

Over and out,
Ri. x

Sick Of The Same Old - Same Old.

I hung out with Robert today. He's probably one of my closest friends really, despite the extremity of our ups and downs with each other. I tell him most things, stuff I wouldn't say to anyone really. We've a lot of history together, four years worth now. My first ever boyfriend, haa.

We had a big talk before I left. I was concerned because I thought he was getting hurt by this girl... Who might I add, is the sweetest girl ever. So lovely. But I was worried anyway. I do that, worry too much.

And when we were talking about it, we started talking about we wanted. We want the same thing actually, but he kinda made me realise I wanted it.

I (and well, him also) want to meet someone completely new. Like a fresh slate. Someone you have no memories with, someone who doesn't know your friends, just someone new. To build memories and get to know without all the "I remember when they did such-and-such" babble, and the stories concerned friends can dig up and such. I'm sick of the whole rinse and repeat attitude in this town. The going out with the same people and kissing the same people and fancying the same people. We may as well all be going around in circles.

I don't want that. I want newness.

I'm gonna be a long time waiting.

Miss Me?

It's been a while. I know.

I'm just a lazy bitch, my apologies.

Shits confusing at the minute. I can't really talk about it though. Honestly, it just feels like the inner workings of my mind is a street, and there's a road block that I can't get past. If I could get past that, I could talk about this stuff but well.. you get the point.

Lets just say, I hate this things, and I hate when people are involved in the thing, but I myself kind of want to be in the thing, and feel horribly embarrassed about this. I'm quite vocal about my hatred.

I'm just lonely.

The girl's not about anymore, that all went tragically upside down and inside out. This is the direction everything is taking, it would appear.

Then there's wondering about this someone someone, but that could just be my brain being a bitch and deciding to put me in a dilemma. Fantastic.

Also, on an entirely different note, I keep having dreams about tattoos. I had one on my foot, and it had ribbons inked on, and they spelled out some kind of saying, something like "You are what you make yourself", but I can't remember exactly. And in another dream, I had one on my upper arm, but I can't picture what it was.

It all leads me to want to be really naff and get a tattoo of a TARDIS on my hip. Nerds Fo' Life, y0.

Alright, I'll stop rambling.

Over and out,

Ri. x

What To Do? What To Do?

I've landed myself in a complicated situation. I'm worried about this. I worry too much, it's a thing.

I'm even more worried, because it's so unexpected. Normally, I can predict what will happen so I can find a solution for all possible consequences to my actions. Not this time.

Don't get me wrong, I am fucking delighted about what happened. Fucking over the moon. I just don't know what steps to take next. It's definitely a situation for treading lightly.

I'm talking shit. No one will get this except Cathal, and maybe Frank.

Over and out,
Ri. x

Rambling on.

If you took a tour into my mind, you find it hard to see between all the cobwebs.

I like memories-the happy, shiny kind. If I could take all those memories, and put them in a box that I could open whenever I felt like it, I would be as happy as a pig in muck.

I can't do that though.

My memories, good and bad, just tend to hit me at odd moments. Like I smell something, and BAM, memory. I see something, BAM, memory. It goes on and on.

Sometimes, I'm ready for them. I can defend myself from them. They won't hurt me.

Sometimes, I can't. Sometimes, they take the wind out of me, and I deflate. I can be anywhere, anytime, and it will happen.

It's shit. It's a shit feeling.

But I deal.

Because I'm human.

Things.

I made a pact with myself, that I've already broken, that I would blog everyday. But in fairness, I've an excuse.

Friday night; Girly night in Clo's.

Saturday night;Went to Evita in Dublin, somehow ended up at a gaff party.

Sunday night; Went to see Cathy Davey with Sinead.

So it was a pretty good weekend, if you can tell!

Things are still bothering me, I'm still getting repeats of that dream about Mr. Artsy. Some people and I are still not completely back to normal, others are amazing and I adore them all over again. Saturday night was good for me, in a weird kind of way. Sunday too, I needed Sinead time badly.

Sinead said something to me yesterday, that made me think a little.

She was laughing, talking about how I was acting with someone. She told me she knows how unconfident I am, that I never think anyone would like me, how paranoid I am, ect. And then she laughed, and said I can put on an amazing front of confidence though with people. In her own words, I put on my "Yeah, I know I'm a fucking ride" act. And yet, that's all it is.

An act.

Dreamer, You're Nothing But A Dreamer.

Sometimes I think I'm just living in someone else's dream. And I have to pinch myself to ensure that this is all real.

It's a pretty weird feeling.