It's A New Dawn, It's A New Day.

Now I've got no heart left to ache.

2010 ended on a weird note. I spoke to my ex on the phone while he drunkenly walked around his friend's castle in his pajamas and wondered should he get more beer. He threw out a comment about it being a two-way street, and he might be making fuck all effort, but I was making none. It sounded like a very old, very familiar argument between myself and him.

My brother was home, as was my sister (though that is nothing new). I saw him a little bit, but I guess that is just how it works. We all miss him, we all want to spend time with him. So in the end, there's only a little bit of time. It's kind of weird, you know? To have known someone your entire life but at the same time, not really know them.

Here I am again, trying to relearn how to breathe.

On New Year's Eve, I headed out to the Store with the Clodagh one. The one thing that is guaranteed when Clodagh and I head out together, is that we will get very drunk and we will do stupid, hilarious, memorable things.

That night was no different. First of all, we arrived early so no one we knew was about yet. There was also no seats. I spotted a bench with enough room for two of us to squeeze in should I be able to convince the lads around that table to let us. Which I did, of course. That table also scored us a few free pints, and Clodagh and I (accidentally) letting on that we were teachers. Which was about the time we found out those lads were late twenties-thirties. Lovely guys, but I decided wandering outside to where (now) all my friends were might be an idea.

I gave Ronan his Christmas present (Battenburg cake), so if he ever whines about that again, I'm pretty sure I can slap him. Excellent.

Frank was pretty gone by the time I was talking to him. Especially after Ronan explained the bad bad situation, which involved Frank and a forbidden girl. Out of bounds. I still have to kick his ass.

Some weirdly unexpected outcomes came out of that night too. One came about pretty much due to Frank pestering me to get some confidence in the previous days, which led to me biting the bullet. I'm pretty happy about that, but whatever.

Clodagh disappeared (actually, it was probably me who disappeared... I always disappear) but I found her again, touching John's face as she does. When we walked to the taxi, she took off her heels. She seems to do that a lot when she's drunk.

It was a good night anyway, despite my horrible disappointment with Francis Roddy.

Life is fine, no matter how hard you fight.

New year's resolutions... Well I've only got one; stop overthinking. Not as Clodagh suggested, "Don't think at all"- that always lands me in trouble. Maybe if I stop overthinking every little thing, I won't be so paranoid about just about everything.

You're a beast in a woman's frame.

Oh, I had a really weird dream to the other night. It involved me sprinting all over town, trying to get away from a disabled muslim, who was trying to ask me out, while I screamed "I WILL NEVER COMMIT."

So I guess I still have my issues then.

Confusing Thoughts and Childhood Horrors.

New developments are happening. Actually, probably not-and I don't entirely know if I want them too, but I kind of do and it's all just a big ball of confusion, to be quite honest. I don't understand myself about it at all.

When I was little, my sister used to play loads of tricks on me. She told me my mam was a troll. You know, like one of those mad ones with the standing up hair? And she told me she only came out at night, and I used to be terrified. She told me she had put spiders in my bed, and she told me when I fell asleep, she'd carry me out to the chicken house and leave me there. She told me that there was monsters under my bed; I still hate walking across the room in the dark. I've perfected this sort of ninja move, when I'm about a foot or two away from the bed, I jump and I land in the middle of my bed all crouched over. I couldn't do it if it wasn't dark. It's fear, you see. Adrenaline and all that.

I was a pretty scaredy cat child as a result, though only at night. Not during the day, heavens no. You can't be scared after yourself and your childhood friends climb into Blackberry Forest to collect blackberries (I don't even eat them) and one of the boys points out the cow staring at us in the same field (Blackberry forest was a field that consisted of about 3 trees and a blackberry bush) was actually a bull. I could also run a lot faster back in those days.

Now, I'm still a bit scared when it comes to certain things. Such as, the tap that magically turned itself on today. And the weird noises outside at night.

But, the stuff I was scared off back then is so juvenile now. I had a vast imagination back then, so I could pretty much conjure up demons from the shadows. But now I still have a vast imagination, but it's not demons I conjure up. It's reality.

Miss Me?

It's been a while. I know.

I'm just a lazy bitch, my apologies.

Shits confusing at the minute. I can't really talk about it though. Honestly, it just feels like the inner workings of my mind is a street, and there's a road block that I can't get past. If I could get past that, I could talk about this stuff but well.. you get the point.

Lets just say, I hate this things, and I hate when people are involved in the thing, but I myself kind of want to be in the thing, and feel horribly embarrassed about this. I'm quite vocal about my hatred.

I'm just lonely.

The girl's not about anymore, that all went tragically upside down and inside out. This is the direction everything is taking, it would appear.

Then there's wondering about this someone someone, but that could just be my brain being a bitch and deciding to put me in a dilemma. Fantastic.

Also, on an entirely different note, I keep having dreams about tattoos. I had one on my foot, and it had ribbons inked on, and they spelled out some kind of saying, something like "You are what you make yourself", but I can't remember exactly. And in another dream, I had one on my upper arm, but I can't picture what it was.

It all leads me to want to be really naff and get a tattoo of a TARDIS on my hip. Nerds Fo' Life, y0.

Alright, I'll stop rambling.

Over and out,

Ri. x

Well now I'm confused.

What am I even...?

Get out of my head.

So. Shit got complicated.

Everything was fine. She was on my mind, but I was dealing. Chilling. Having fun. Being young and full of no complications.

And then Saturday... Well I said no consequences. I just wanted it to be easy that night, I wanted to stop fighting with her. I just... I just wanted her.

It's not fucking easy on me either.

And then I realised, that we spend so much time fighting about what is going on, we've paid no attention to what isn't going on, which is getting to know each other.

I know why I like her, kind of. But I don't know her.

I just know something is right. Or maybe I'm just putting myself out there to get fucked over. I don't know. I need to find out.

She has no phone now, no internet. I need to talk to her. Shit, I need to see her. Hammo tells me to call over there tomorrow. Just to try sort out something... So I can see her again.

Nervous isn't even the word.

I'm Just A Notch In Your Bedpost.

You said we were friends. I remember that clearly. In fact, I remember telling you that no matter what happened, I wanted you as my friend. I wanted you around.

Friends talk to each other. So when I see you and try make an effort with you, you really shouldn't just ignore me and blow me off.

I'm not going to fucking try kiss you or confess my massive crush on you. You know. I've already done that. We've both already done that.

And yeah, i get it. Confusing shit right. Standing still, right? Deadly. I'm fine with that. Do what you want, deal with this however you like. But fuck, talk to me.

This friends shit is bullshit. Absolute bollox.

What To Do? What To Do?

I've landed myself in a complicated situation. I'm worried about this. I worry too much, it's a thing.

I'm even more worried, because it's so unexpected. Normally, I can predict what will happen so I can find a solution for all possible consequences to my actions. Not this time.

Don't get me wrong, I am fucking delighted about what happened. Fucking over the moon. I just don't know what steps to take next. It's definitely a situation for treading lightly.

I'm talking shit. No one will get this except Cathal, and maybe Frank.

Over and out,
Ri. x

I Wish She Was...

Gay.

Those Five Minute Crushes

So, since the dream about Mr. Artsy, I can only expect an onslaught of "five minute crushes". (Who am I kidding? I already have one!)

At the best of times, I find it hard to like people. Even worse, I find it hard to really like someone. I have all these boundaries marked off, all these walls to break down, all this panic and fear that I'm going to get myself hurt again. Like hello. I just managed to put myself back together after Mr. Artsy and I broke up, I'd rather I didn't go down that road again for a while.

But when he's brought up, or I get a kick in the stomach of memories of him, or in this case, I get a horribly vivid dream about him, my "heart", so to speak, tries to protect me by showing me all the people I could be going for. Except they don't normally last too long as crushes, hence why I call them "five minute crushes". (Okay, so they may last longer then five minutes, but it sounds better then "a few days crushes" or whatever).

I'm too fickle. I can't stay on one person for a decent amount of time, unless they're really worth it- you know, if I can really talk to them, not become bored, "click" with them. I never make an effort with my "five minute crushes" because it's pointless. But I never really make an effort with my real ones either. I guess I'm just afraid of giving too much and not getting it back.

I'm sure sooner or later, I'll just lick my battle wounds and dive back in. But, not yet.