You're filling me with sweet nothings. I don't think you realise I know you've crossed the line between flattery and bullshit. So you keep going, beautiful words stringed together to make a sentance you hope will be the key to my locked legs. But I'm too frigid and virginal, don't you know? Ain't I just something so sweet?
I'm a liar, but you were never good at reading people. As I take another pull of my cigarrete, I wonder how you've lasted this long in the real world. However did you manage to stay on your feet in this city, full of bright lights and startling revalations.
I remember how excited I was when I first came here. Back then, I was who you think I am now. Just a face of innocence and a mind to match. I expected so much of this place, I expected glamour and glitz and everything I'd read in magazines. Now, I'm no longer that stupid. I see shadows in every corner. There's too many spiders in this city, and they're looking for flies. They're looking for people just like you to eat alive.
You're complimenting me again. I nod and smile politely. I'm bored by now, but you can't even tell. I had a huge crush on you back in the day, I bet you never guessed that. You were full of goodlooks and charm and never gave me a second glance. But in this smoky bar, with my skimpy clothes and made up face, things are different.
I excuse myself to powder my nose. I hope you don't see me make a quick escape through the door. I'd feel bad, having offended you. But really, I can't stand to listen to you waffling on anymore.
Out in the fresh air, I take a deep breath. I used to want to soak in this city, into every pore of my being. I wanted to live and breathe it. Now I'm just looking for a way to escape it.
I begin my walk home, steadying myself on six inch heels. I can't stop this feeling I have, the one that reminds me I failed the challenges I set for myself. I guess I just raised the bar too high, and I couldn't deal with the struggle. At least that's what I convince myself.
I let myself into the apartment, and pore myself a stiff drink. I sip on that as I mull over the events of tonight. Damn you. Damn you right to hell. The taste of home is too sweet on my tongue now. It was hard to leave, but it would be even harder to go back with all my mistakes so clearly on my sleeve.
I knock back the drink and pour another, then wander out to the balcony. I've a great view. You really can understand the city from up here, so high. If you dropped from this height, you wouldn't even feel the ground kiss you. You wouldn't even feel your own death.
Maybe someday I'll learn to fly. I'll jump from here and the ground wouldn't swallow me, the sky would catch me instead. I might aswell make a death wish before I attempt that. Sometimes, I think that might be just as well. Where else is there left to go in life? I've done all I can.
Though if I died tonight, you'd be the last person to have shown an interest for me. No, somehow I don't think I'd be happy with that. I'll take a flying lesson when I sleep with a rockstar. I laugh. I laugh to myself, as I have done so many times in these last five years. Sometimes, I have someone with me to laugh along, but I never remember their faces.
I finish my drink and pad into my bedroom. I root under the bed for a sleeping pill and pop it in my mouth. One, two, three, swallow. Slowly, I undress and climb in between my covers. Things will be clearer in the morning. They always are. They always are.
